Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
