I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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