i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
