my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
