You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
