saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
