I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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