D3 body, D1 cock
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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