cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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