3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
