i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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