Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
