Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
