I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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