Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
