Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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