Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
