ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
