there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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