Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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