I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize