just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
