This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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