Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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