if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
