Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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