I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
