ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
