At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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