what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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