I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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