im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
