Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
