I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
