At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
They have beer where we have blood.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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