I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE