i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
