We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
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So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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