So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking