Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
