I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
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We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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