Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize