Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You took a bar mat shot.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
