saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
