I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We were destined to go to rehab together
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My feet surprised me
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