It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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