I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
