This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
