She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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