That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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