Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
