Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
