My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
