you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You've changed since you got that strap on
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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