you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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