I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
