watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
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today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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